These past few days I have really been missing Smudge. That big white tom cat was the love of my life. He claimed me by the second day he was in my life, and I gave him my heart. We nearly lost him about a year after we acquired him, because he had a genetic disease that caused his red blood cells to not generate, much like leukemia. However, it was not the catchable feline leukemia, or we could have lost the rest of the cats. With great love and care and at great expense, we extended Smudge's life for over 5 years. He had a great quality of life, and to anyone who didn't know his story, he was the picture of health.
I miss him sleeping between Kent and I. I miss him on my lap, by my side. He loved to go to sleep encircled in my arms, not realizing that I was really holding him-which he really hated. He never did like to be picked up or held, but he gave freely of himself. Yet somehow he didn't make the connection that encircled in my arms in bed was still being held. And I am so grateful for that!
And I miss that cat so much. When we adopted Desiree, also a big white cat, there were times I saw Smudge in the house. It did help to have her here, it eased his absence more than it brought back painful memories.
Smudgie has been dead for over 5 years and some days it seems as if it were yesterday.
I love you Smudge. I love you so much. I know that somehow you found your way back to me in a small way through Ptera. She loves me like you did and on some days when she looks adoringly at me, I see you in her eyes. I know that she is her own girl, that you just show up now and then when you can. And some days that is enough, while others it is not. Your absence is still so hard to bear, even after all this time. Your picture is on my computer so I see you each and every day. But I miss you in my arms and on my lap and in our bed. I love you buddie. My big white citricat who was such a lover and never bullied the others even though you were built to rule the roost.
I love you.
