Dad

Saturday June 9 2012 marked what would have been Mom and Dad's 74th anniversary.  Needless to say it was a really depressing day for me; I had honored the event in my heart for several ears because Dad was remarried.  And Dad was always alive.  This year, however, Dad joined Mom once again, and now I have neither of them.

Sunday June 10 2012 would have been Dad's 96th birthday.  I had decided that we would have another party this year because of Dad's failing health, and it would be a chance for all of us to get together again.  But with Dad's death this past Feb. 20, that dream died as well. 

I miss my dad.  I wasn't the best daughter, especially in the past few years.  I had issues, 2 big ones especially, that got in my way.  I did manage to deal with one of them last year, but the abandonment one is still here.  I couldn't tell Dad while he was alive, but I did tell him after he died.  If he is in Heaven and watching, he heard me.  If there is no afterlife, God forbid, well, then it doesn't matter, does it.

I know Gramma died never forgiving him, and I don't think Lyle and Marilyn will ever forgive him either.  I am in total agreement with them.  He left all of us behind to move south with his new wife so she could be closer to her grandchildren.  Had they moved halfway between Kokomo and New Albany, I could have grudginly accepted that.  But he moved 3 hours away.  I know Glory convinced him that we would visit him often if he moved away, but given the fact that I HATE riding, there was fat chance of that.  Dad knew this, but apparently forgot it.   But the pain of the abandonment was great.

Once he was south, Glory seemed to change.  I know she developed health issues and I am all too aware of how pain and frustration can weigh on you.  But Glory was bringing him down...  He was sitting home with her doing nothing for years before his health demanded it.  At least he did finally get out of the house some in those last years before they sold the house.  But once he was in the apartment, that changed too. 

Glory is not a bad woman.  She is quirky, more so since she is wheel chair bound.  Opinionated.  But then, who isn't nowadays?  She loved Dad very much, and I know she doesn't really want to live without him.  I believe that she was married to Dad longer than she was married to Vaughn's dad.  Don't know that for sure, but it was Dad she said she'd be with in death,  not Delbert.  Even so, she will be buried next to Delbert, her first husband. 

I miss you Dad.  I wasn't the daughter you wanted the last 20 years of your life.  I can't blame my feeling of abandonment on you; the feeling is mine.  You did what you felt was right for your wife, with what many of us perceive as not right for your own flesh and blood.  But it was your choice, and one I will never ever accept.  I may one day learn to forgive you for leaving us behind, but it will not be easy.  You will have to listen to many tirades against your decision in the process.  And I can not promise I will be able to forgive you.  But you are my father, and I do love you and I miss the presence that I knew was there even if so far away from me.  I know you accepted my emotional distance, perhaps too easily.  Which is probably my fault, too.

Father's Day 2012 is likewise the first without you.  It has not been as hard as difficult as was the anniversary and your birthday, but it has not been easy.  Two weekends in row which revolved around you - without you in this world. 

I know that you were ready to depart this life, that you knew you had lived past what you thought you should lived.  In spite of not being kept artifically alive, you were still kept alive by the hospitalizations and the nursing home  We all knew that your birthday celebration last year would be your last even though I didn't want to accept it.  I don't think that I was the only one, either.   We all know that you went outside last summer  (2011), hoping that you would not survive the heat, and that things went downhill from there when you were given CPR by your health aide at the apartment.  So in a way you did get your wish, albeit 7 months later.  And I didn't act like I should have.  I have not been the person I should have been for many, many years.  And so I live with the regrets that all this has caused.  Nonetheless, I do miss and love you Dad. Greatly.  I know that you know this, then as now.  I told you every time we talked.

Rest in peace Dad.  You taught us to be responsible and stand on our own two feet, and we learned that lesson.  I was always proud of you as the provider, as the man the community knew and respected.  You were there for me when I really needed it, and when some things that were Mom's that were supposed to be mine never came to me, I accepted it, but it did little to make me want to stay close.  You sold my mother's things one by one by one until none were left.  But I still loved you because you were my father.  Sometimes I didn't like you very much, but I always loved you.

Deja Vu

Dear God,  why is this happening again?  Why don't I ever learn not to trust him?  You know that I love him, but he fails me every time.  Every time.  About the only job he has not been fired from since we were married was the one where he was pouring concrete ornaments.  He was fired from the sheetmetal workers.  He was fired from the railroad.  He was fired from Advanced Auto.  He was fired from WWL, and now is he going to get fired from Brock.  It wasn't so bad when I was still working, because I had a good income.  But now my net is half of what it was.  Since he'll be fired he can't collect unemployment for 6 weeks.  He was sent back to the SQ line, which means he has lost the chance for one of those jobs on the Perfless lines, which was to become a full time job-getting hired as a regular employee, not just a temp.   Just fucking great.

Lessa

The past few months I have noticed that my Lessa Houdini Aircat, aka Mouwess, has been changing.  She has lost maybe 1/2 pound, but she isn't caring for her fur as well as she has in the past.  She isn't eating as much, either, which would help account for the weight loss.  I've noticed that she isn't eating her morning treat that Kent gives her like she used to. It may sit there on top of the freezer all day long (it is dry food, so no big deal).  She has started licking her fur off her belly and legs again, after stopping the OCD behavior for over a year.  Ptera Dactyl has been a part of the house for 2 years, and if Ptera is the chief cause, I would have thought it would have started when Ptera was first brought in to the house.  And Lessa doesn't seem to be able to get comfortable very easily.  Yesterday evening she wouldn't settle down; she was up and down and all around, including walking all over my legs, which were hurting anyway.  Poor girl was yelled at several times and kneed off the chair several more.  This behavior kept on even after Kent went to bed and I tried to settle in to sleep.  It was nearly 5  AM before she actually completely settled in next to me in the chair.

 However, her activity level outside does seem to be on the increase.  Yesterday I watched her dance across the backyard chasing a white cabbage moth.  She doesn't chase it with the same intensity as does Ptera Dactyl, but for Lessa, it was very active!!! She mostly loped after it, but there were a few leaps in to the air.  I am so grateful that I was able to witness this cavort!  I certainly hope it will not be the last one I observe.

She was leaving the backyard illegally nearly every day, but in the past few weeks
she has been staying in the backyard more often.  Of course, then today she left the yard twice. 

It is possible that Lessa has developed diabetes, just like Muffin.  Kent and I have agreed that we will not give her shots.  She'll be left with some dignity, unlike Muffin, if this turns out to be the case.  It would shorten her life, but the betrayal to her at age 12 would be worse. 

The idea of losing Lessa terrifies me.  She is a direct link to Smudge, and once she is gone, we will have truly lost all of him.  Sure, Yeowller was rescued shortly after we brought Smudge and Lessa in to the house, but Lessa IS the reason that Smudge entered our life.  I wanted to make sure that she wasn't put to sleep because she was such an ugly kitten, and the intervening time between when I first saw her and we went back for her she was changing.  The Ugly Duckling turned in to a Graceful Swan in those couple of months.  She had the most beautiful pink nose, that eventually developed dark spots on the outside edges of.  We lovingly called her Little Pink Rat Nose when it was all pink.  Smudge was still alive when her nose began to change, and it continued to get darker year after year.  Oh, the pink is still there, but not as bright pink and definitely not all over pink. 

Lessa has always disliked loud noises and has loudly scolded us when our voices are raised, and sometimes when they are not raised...  She has an obnoxious scolding voice, let me tell you!  She always gets up from wherever she is and strides purposely towards whichever one of us is talking the loudest, and then starts in on us. 

She used to love riding in the car, but she lost that love several years ago.  Oh, she goes through the motions of wanting to go, but she won't come in to our arms to be carried out to the vehicle.  She wants to go outside, out front, which is Forbidden Territory to her.  It was always a treat to her to get to walk from the car to the house when she went for rides with us.   I know she didn't like riding in Kent's truck, nor mine, but she quit riding in the car before we lost it in 2010.

I tears me up inside contemplating losing Lessa.  The last cat we lost was Macha, 4 years ago.  But Lessa, like I said, is a direct link to our best beloved Smudge, because we decided to bring him home with her, for company, never knowing that he would completely take over our hearts in just a couple days.

But I hope that I am wrong, and that Lessa has many more years of life left in her.  Maybe she has arthritis, which would account for a less active life.  If it is worse, then we keep her comfortable until she has no quality of life, and then release her from her earthly form, to go roam with Smudge as they wait for us with the others who have gone before us.